It is another story at the point where I was about to enter my 50th day of studying abroad.
Often, I became emotional for some reason.
One of my seniors, who cared for me thoughtfully, asked me a question.
It seemed she already knew I was struggling to manage my clumsy academic life.
"Have you ever cried since you came here?"
"No. I never cried. But it doesn't mean I have no tears.
It feels like I've become a vending machine that makes drinks out of tears."
"If someone presses the push button on me.
(the button obviously located somewhere on me, but I don't know where exactly),"
"I have a feeling I'll be able to pour all of my tears into their cups at any moment."
"But I can't afford to cry. If I can afford to shed tears,
I will use that time for the next schedule today."
“I forgot how to cry. But if someone, or myself, finds a push-button, then.....
I don't know... I don't know how to say"
Then another Korean student who is a friend of mine said to me.
"Devin, you must never cry. You must never show that vulnerability of yourself."
... Yes, I know how I should act.
We are Ph.D. students anyways.