No. 3 _ Where did all the tears go?


It is another story at the point where I was about to enter my 50th day of studying abroad.

Often, I became emotional for some reason.


One of my seniors, who cared for me thoughtfully, asked me a question.

It seemed she already knew I was struggling to manage my clumsy academic life.


"Have you ever cried since you came here?"


#.


"No. I never cried. But it doesn't mean I have no tears.

It feels like I've become a vending machine that makes drinks out of tears."

"If someone presses the push button on me.

(the button obviously located somewhere on me, but I don't know where exactly),"


"I have a feeling I'll be able to pour all of my tears into their cups at any moment."



#.


"But I can't afford to cry. If I can afford to shed tears,

I will use that time for the next schedule today."

“I forgot how to cry. But if someone, or myself, finds a push-button, then.....

I don't know... I don't know how to say"


Then another Korean student who is a friend of mine said to me.


"Devin, you must never cry. You must never show that vulnerability of yourself."

... Yes, I know how I should act.

We are Ph.D. students anyways.